Well, here we are on a Sunday night facing another week. The old recital creeping up and the end of the incubator period. Pretty soon it will be back to real life. Not to say that this hasn't been real, but no more refunds from the school to cover rent, and no more safe little environment in which to learn. No. Then it's time to take what we've been given and get out there and make something of ourselves in the world.

I think what's hard is to see those friends who've graduated in their lives and see where they are. Many of them went out and found great jobs with benefits and regular hours. The drawback is that they can't get out of them were they to be cast in a summer show or something like that... ah. I can relate to this. This is what happened when I went full time at Target. Music got abandoned, and while chorus and church choir still accounts for musical involvement, it isn't what I want to do.

This week, I got a letter from Target, telling me that my benefits were going to end as of 3/31. This was inevitable really. No good thing lasts forever, and I really did have a good run with them. Then there is the whole issue of auditions, and why do I not do more. DB told me to do the damn Ryan outreach thing, but in the end I just didn't want to go in and do a poor showing because I hadn't coached or sung through my Mozart since before Xmas. And I know! I need to get out there. The only way I will get seen and potentially hired is to be out there doing.

But... what if they're all lying? Well, maybe not lying really, since I can't see my teacher, coach, accompanist, and jury sheets all being in agreement to tell me a giant whopper. At the same time... as Tracy points out, I need to believe it. And I guess when I finally really honestly truly madly deeply decide that I am a good singer, it will be time to go.

I know I feel a lot closer to that than ever before. Earlier today, I was telling some friends about the loss of my benefits and my desire to stay loose and part time in the upcoming summer. They were supportive, but stated that they suppose I was still a little young to want security. Honestly... I feel as though I'm waiting for something. I don't know what it is, but I have these moments sometimes where there is no fear, there is no real true doubt of veracity... where I just know. Everything will be all right. Now, I have no idea how it is going to be all right, I only know that it will be.

I had the strangest sense of deja vu earlier today as well. And it's an old one. Years ago, I dreamt I was on a train, discussing my website with my mother. She was telling me that my grandparents thought my photo was beautiful. And today it happened. I was riding back from Howard. Manprano had just left me, and moments later the phone rings with the mommy. And it happened. It really rattled me because it was from such a long time ago... I knew this because I remembered waking at my parents and wondering why the heck I had a website. I'm going to take it as a sign though that I am on the right path. I keep making my choices and rolling with it when it doesn't work out. Like I told a professor recently, I'm all ready jaded when it comes to this business. I know that talent is only a small part. It's also who you know, how badly you want it, and how hard you go after it. I'm going hard.

This week-

Follow up with that one contact.
Group email the ladies and set a time/date to meet
Get my recital promo stuff mailed/posted.
Follow up with James.

Adhere to the list.

Most of all, learn to believe the truth of this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." - Marianne Williamson

And with this very maudlin post... off I go.